complicated

its not avril lavigne's song..but the title does ring a bell doesnt it..

well for starters...its a mad mood swing..and its one those kinds that i really dislike from the deepest bottoms of my heart in every bloody sense...the not so nice ones the shallow ones..which leave u peturbed worried and out of sync with everythng else..unfortunately its also cuz its instigated by ur lack of potential or opportunity or just a stupid excuse called luck which hails nutin in ur favour particularly wen u kinda need it the most and leaves u feeling utter uselessness..

i'm loud and probably always will be..but yes i've calmed down over the years..in ways people mite not really notice..btu sum observe patiently adn they realise..its not the calming down of the voice or enthusiasm for every tiny thing in life no matter how trivial..its just strength adn the capacity to bear more..u know..earlier simple things wud leave me panicked adn throw me into an unfamiliar and eerie place i didnt want to c..now that place is within reach adn even though i still get lost(cant help the territory is super vast!) i have learnt many of the ways..!

life was complicated just sumtime back..about 2-3 yrs back..to b honest so it appeared that all hell had broken lose and i was headed to doomsday..its actually much much more complicated now..just..now...its bearable out of forced practice of a kind...well its not that its the end..but watever it is..i'm taking it in my stride or atleast trying to..had been running so much and tearing myself apart..going at a slightly slower pace right now..

dunno if its right or wrong but it helps soothe..well i guess it does...i hope it does...even though at times the emptiness of things leaves me thinking adn pondering and frustrated at my uselessness adn ultimately depressed..i know i need sumone to talk to at that time..a friend..ma is there..but she's already quite drenched in worries..i need that hug..adn that reassuring pat saying its gonna b ok..

i have no clue wat i'm doing..i'm actually wondering if i'm even trying cuz my heart wants to do one thing adn the brain suggests otherwise..but still i say adn agree..

life's much less complicated wid all its complications at their hieghtened best rite now..!

i'm still doing my favourite hobby though...am smiling! :)

adn more often than not..its genuine! strange na! its easier to smile now actually..u dun need the sweeping off the feet actions..simple things..a song, a stupid scene which makes u swoon, a buk, a horoscope for the day sumtin vague sum sight..its much much simpler..adn much less complicated!