mercy!

damn me..

all i do here is crib..i beat my won damn record..i created a forum to crib..!

shit

look at wat i'm doing right now!!!!

yikes..

save me pls oh lord..

have mercy!!!

i'm a criminal

i'm a criminal..i dared to dream..

in a world where its just not allowed

i'm a criminal i dreamed beyond..

where dreams have no value at all.

i'm a criminal..so i've been told..

and made to feel time adn again

i'm a criminal but i cannot help it..

i've dreamed another dream yet again

i'm a criminal for having dreamed so large

that sufficient just does not suffice..

i'm a criminal that i've dreamed so much..

that all i want to do is sleep..

to not feel the thunder..or the tremors of the quake..

to wake up to that bright morning sun

to sleep so sound that nothing else matters

to find all the answers from within

but the answer will not come in my dreams

as much as i'd hate it..i'll have to put up the fight

only then can my dream stand it thru

and not vanish like the clouds and mist

one life only!

Its not that i realise only now..but yeah..i havent been quite the one to acknowledge it either..

but yes...my actions spoke all they had to..i never really had to say it..

say that..as cliched as it may sound..but i'm different..

say that i dun yearn for the same things that others my age usually yearn for..

say dat i a corporate biggie job is not for me! 

i'm a gypsy kinda person...yes..but not unprofessional..i did law..but not to work in a high profile law firm or a corporate giant doing work that i hate but earning the big bucks anyway and faking a smile everyday to work..i did law wid a vision...the vision was two fold..

my parents being from the media industry adn yet me having nearly no exposure to it, probably made me all the more inquisitive and interested in the field..my first vision was to make a name in the media, lifestyle adn fashion industry..y..cuz it intrigued me..and not in a small or any cornered way..btu explore everyaspect..thru the eyes of a business..law wud make be all teh more better equipped to tackle all my fears adn troubles and understand my loopholes better!

my second vision was to do sumtin more meaning ful adn at the same time not have to worry bout how to create the means for it!an ngo..to help legal needs of those who needed my help..

i have a belief..i have just this one life and so many thigns to do in it..apart from my own..i have my parents individual dreams also to live..its no burden for me..just sumtin i want to do and make it happen..

but the one thing i understand is..that the rebellious way out i'm thinking is probably the only solution to this fiasco..its not bout me being selfish..but bout that one life to live and no one else to blame but me!

many might say that the timing cudnt b worse..i have nutin wid me..but i actually c it an opportunity..there's n oway but up from where i am..i have nutin to lose! (literally!) if i had sumtin i'd worry..but i dun!

unfortunately opportunity doesnt knowck at ur door every now and then..and moreso particularly u shudnt take chances wen u have ahistory of mishaps in life!

i think my timing actually cudnt get any better..i just hope..this time..god's on my side!

i really do!

dynamism

my mother often calls me fickle minded and she absolutely hates my risk taking habits to the core!

i on the other hand, prefer to call it dynamism!..i'm one of those persons who isnt satisfied wid a mundane simple life and needs more adn more adn that too of a variety of things..i mentioned earlier how i luv compulsively..well..i also happen to luv a whole lot of things adn there's just sooooo much to do in life..! adn i have but this one life! to do it all..

my mother on the other hand has a favourite word..compromise...! jeez how much i hate the word..i wudnt really undermine the power of the word..its a real peace maker and all..but pls..each and every simgle time..no.thats not for me in the least!

mum has been thru lots of hell in life..and had to compromise at every single stage..she still does..its like that dialogue from the movie dilwale dulhaniya le jaayenge (DDLJ) when simran's mum tells her that every thing she ever does, being a woman will b sumtin thats gives others priority in her life rather than her own..first as a daughter, a sister, then as a wife, as a mother and so on and so forth adn there's no end to it...mum did that..cudnt take up her favourite subjects at skool, cuz her father refused..married adn then left her job...had kids and felt she needed to tend to them rather than work on sumtin for herself..

its not like she wants to strangulate me..but its well..conditioning u cud say..without realising..she's doing the same that her dad did to her..

she's been very supportive of my decisions..but everytime i decide sumtin..there's always that initial hurdle..a feeling of 'no dun do it..dun come crying to me later, i told u so' and all that jazz..

everytime particularly wen the decision has an element of risk involved..widout giving the first thought..before u know it ..its out of the window!

my mum is not much of a risk taker types..if she has a overnight weekend trip to a relative who lives at a distance of merely 2 hrs away..she plans 2 weeks ahead and has her packing finished when there's still ten days left to the trip!...yes so she's organised and is quite like monica from friends..obsessive compulsive bout beign organised and clean adn wat not..

damn the and again!

getting back..well i'm not liek her in those aspects..at all!..i hate having to plan or to pack tens of  days ahead..

wats strange is ma and i r soooooooooo similar..yet sooooooo different..it made me realise that no matter how similar 2 people r..they're 2 very different individuals adn will always b..even if they absolutely everything alike!

mayb ma's apprehension is from experience and i'm still inexperienced..or maybe ma never ever was the type..and i have my fathers genes in dynamism! but even dad can b like that.mayb its just teh generation..or two negatives made a positive..or communication gap..

my little battles wid ma over my dynamism made me realise...that my mum and i never ever had that conversation bout wat i really really want out of life..v alwys had sumtin more alarming to talk bout..at times that even meant wats to b cooked for dinner! sad..! i know..

she never asked me reasosn for wanting to do wat i wanted to do.always a yes or no as it whether i shud/cud or shudnt/cudnt do it!...and that was the end of the discussion..may thats y she doesnt know the game plan till now!

but is wanting wat i want to do..which is not only because i have interets or passion for it but also the perks of that thing which my family will b able to bear selfish thinking???

mum says i'm selfish..thinking only bout me.. how am i to prove i think of them..telling them is not the solution! for sure!...am confused..!

complicated part 2

its wierd wen things u thought (sumtin or sum time) wud never back do come back..sum which make u feel all nice and giddy and sum sad and sick..

(ps- i hate the way when i type i never ever get "and" right! i always end up wid nad or adn and have to retype! arghhhhhhhhhhhh!)

i live in the past..cuz it showed me sum awesum times..adn i luk fwd to mroe luking back adn boring my great great grandkids bout hte trash i did thruout life ;)

i think i realised..mood swing just happened..andi aitn that sad adn pessimistic and upset anymore

(shit i got the and wring again..i just dun get it! shit shit shit!)

maybe the chit chat adn the msging adn all actualy helped!

(i swear to god..i aint typing adn purposely like that..bored of correcting now..thats all that it is!)

before more screwed up ands..gotta go!

complicated

its not avril lavigne's song..but the title does ring a bell doesnt it..

well for starters...its a mad mood swing..and its one those kinds that i really dislike from the deepest bottoms of my heart in every bloody sense...the not so nice ones the shallow ones..which leave u peturbed worried and out of sync with everythng else..unfortunately its also cuz its instigated by ur lack of potential or opportunity or just a stupid excuse called luck which hails nutin in ur favour particularly wen u kinda need it the most and leaves u feeling utter uselessness..

i'm loud and probably always will be..but yes i've calmed down over the years..in ways people mite not really notice..btu sum observe patiently adn they realise..its not the calming down of the voice or enthusiasm for every tiny thing in life no matter how trivial..its just strength adn the capacity to bear more..u know..earlier simple things wud leave me panicked adn throw me into an unfamiliar and eerie place i didnt want to c..now that place is within reach adn even though i still get lost(cant help the territory is super vast!) i have learnt many of the ways..!

life was complicated just sumtime back..about 2-3 yrs back..to b honest so it appeared that all hell had broken lose and i was headed to doomsday..its actually much much more complicated now..just..now...its bearable out of forced practice of a kind...well its not that its the end..but watever it is..i'm taking it in my stride or atleast trying to..had been running so much and tearing myself apart..going at a slightly slower pace right now..

dunno if its right or wrong but it helps soothe..well i guess it does...i hope it does...even though at times the emptiness of things leaves me thinking adn pondering and frustrated at my uselessness adn ultimately depressed..i know i need sumone to talk to at that time..a friend..ma is there..but she's already quite drenched in worries..i need that hug..adn that reassuring pat saying its gonna b ok..

i have no clue wat i'm doing..i'm actually wondering if i'm even trying cuz my heart wants to do one thing adn the brain suggests otherwise..but still i say adn agree..

life's much less complicated wid all its complications at their hieghtened best rite now..!

i'm still doing my favourite hobby though...am smiling! :)

adn more often than not..its genuine! strange na! its easier to smile now actually..u dun need the sweeping off the feet actions..simple things..a song, a stupid scene which makes u swoon, a buk, a horoscope for the day sumtin vague sum sight..its much much simpler..adn much less complicated!

mumbai, dreams and sum trash

I feel like writing..probably the ill effects of a book made up only of letters (not to forget the bad habit of writing gibberish every now and then ever since a very early age..)

 

Secret- I had a little black buk, the cover was black actually. I called it my Mumbai diaries..it was sumtin I came up with to note down my wishes dreams plans and what not..more importantly those which had anything to do with Mumbai…

 

I did realize that it wasn’t sumtin that sumone else wud probably ever read though..maybe if my great grandchildren wanted to find out weird things bout their granny they might give it a shot but I wont b surprised if they were yawning by the 3^rd-4^th page and sleeping by the time he reached 4 and a half and swore never to even attempt reading it ever ever ever again (read-exaggeration drama melodrama etc etc)

 

To be honest though I never got down to completing it..(b) all those things I wrote down most importantly places to c and things to do..out of 50 I must.ve dun 5 at max..! L sad yes! But now I think I’ll continue it with settling n a new and still unfound life!

 

To be honest..from wat I’m reading I really really wish I had a friend like that man! (Cecilia ahern-where rainbows meet- the woman has written an entire buk on the basis of written communication between people, invites, news clippings, mostly email and chat conversations!) Though not as much..but yes..i have sum like that..the ones I’m referring to better know who I’m referring to! Dun make me walk to your door and beat u up for not getting it! (they’re there for vague talks to discuss life..whether its in the pits or screwed up romances or screwed up jobs etc etc..he he eh he not to forget nite long chats bout nutin!)

 

I think I shud stop mayb I just wanna ramble and talk trash for hours at a stretch!

I’m reading Cecilia Ahern yet again and confirmed that that I’m a die hard hope-least romantic of the highest order possible…

And yes…as always and every single day of my life..i find myself..very much in luv..all over again…with whom or wat is hard to say…maybe just the idea of luv..from wat I hear, read and see around..seems to be a nice thing..yes there r the downs and jazz..but still..if not for them..how is one to figure out the true highs..rite..besides..pure perfection to me is only that which has tits and bits of imperfection embedded to give the complete picture! Yeah yeah..lots of talk I know..but wat to do..

The sad part however is..that I think I tend to get swayed easily cuz of this.. L sad..very very sad..y..cuz then I also am susceptible to be hurt a lot more than those who’d in the true sense of the term care a damn! That’s something I dun really like..u keep giving and giving and to hell wid unconditionality..i deserve and thus I demand..till there its all fine..when I dun get it back is when the problem situation arises!

utlimate tragedy..like sumone even remotely..(in my case its usually a lot though..)and they move far far away! :(

to new beginnings! Again ;)

its strange how we often lissen to others, rather at times strangers and do things which close people or even saying to oneself enver helped us to get to actually doing it..

for starters..writing my blog...only wen sumone pin point did i THINK of writing more and more continuously..

dunno how long this phase will last..but atleast sumtin's better than nutin..i'll know i did attempt..

i'm really sick of my habit of leaving everything undun..incomplete..worst part is..its not the rel me..

i like to finish wat i start and that too only after putting in my bestest efforts ever.surprisingly i've never been so gud at it wen it comes to my habit of writing..and that too wen i luv and enjoy it so thorouhgly..

i can never figure out wat really keeps me from doing this..!i wish i cud find out and undo whatever was wrong..all i can try nevertheless is to try and improve my writing habits hereon..maybe it'll help..

wat else do i  want..hmm..i know it..lets just say that much..and i wish i had it..i really do..atleats the one thing of many which i'm clear about..as for the other things..the clouds r clearin..slowly..but they r..and the picture is gettign clearer day by day..

fingers crossed ;)

Finding Love again..

I once had a blog, it was a happy experience, but I don’t know why I stopped. Some months back a friend started blogging. It was fun to read plus I felt connected with him after a really long time. It brought back the thoughts of why I had stopped blogging. I created a blog but life was throwing the best of the worst it seems. Or should I rather say, it still is to some extent. I don’t know if I’ve set into the ambience of failures or just got used to it, or anything else. Its too much thinking to be able to decipher that. But I decided to start off on a nice note and pledged to blog only and only when I had something good to write about. Maybe like so many, I too was waiting for my miracle moment. Its only very recently that I realized that I shouldn’t really be waiting for THE moment. Its what I create, when I create or, well..ummm..just about something, anything that would make any moment, The moment. I think I’m still not in the right frame of mind to explain exactly what’s there in my head, but I don’t think I should really wait for the right frame to voice my views nevertheless.

I’m confused, have nothing better to do in life, well yes, probably; but at this point of time, I really wonder whether I could really bother less!

I always liked writing a lot. And now with nothing much on my hands to do, I write more often. And not just thoughts. Its now more like I’m a struggling writer. With nothing more than thoughts to keep me busy as such, each time, some new word, phrase or something pops in my head to suggest a new plot. But somehow the plans all turn out to be one way or the other with a romantic angle. This got me to do the job that I dreaded 24 X 7, THINKING; I really hate it I think! But I can’t write on sci-fi or murder thrillers etc etc. and besides I feel there’s too much love love love all around and I cannot not think about it.

I happen to be a romantic person anyways and a typical Indian Hindi film buff living in the world of dream sequences. I confused my identity to be that of a tom-boy till today. Well I don’t know exactly what triggered the thought, but I realized that the simple fact that I have more male friends and get along with them better and they open up to me unlike how they shy away from using abusive language in front of other girls doesn’t really make me a tom-boy. Well I’m just easy to get along with, they’re comfortable and so I am. Well, one confusion sorted out, I also realized how typically girly and all I am. I love to shop, I love reading, I cry at the drop of a hat, especially while watching movies and television and in fact, hard to believe but even advertisements! As a matter of fact, my parameters of judging a movie to be a hit or flop or whatever, is usually a tear, the more I cry, the higher the ranking of the movie.

These days sitting idle at home, and considering I live alone and also one of recent discoveries that I’m pretty much a lazy home bird and to some extent a loner, I stick around the house, reading books, novels, my daily morning treat of practically licking the newspaper from last to first (not first to last, I read the last page first, HABIT!, CONVENIENCE!) over a cup of light brewed, specifically made tea and listening to the radio all day long (firstly to avoid any DJing stints and secondly, after the sound card or some device in my laptop conking off, its really the next best bet to talking to, bucking up and motivating myself or cribbing, complaining like a partner/spouse to God or baby talking with my plants or my famous stuffed monkey, DODO (yes people, he’s still very much with me!)!

Of the books that I read, weird crazy things, mythology, losing weight, India, novels about weird people, there are a few romantic ones and reading them, is again like watching a movie (Though I don’t think I still can take Mills and Boons as such, once in a year is sufficient and that too plain romance ones, cant take nasty! Ugghhhh!). You feel like crying, you smile chronically and continuously. And to top it with the amount of radio I listen to, I realized that most hindi songs which are loved by one and all and played over and over again and still don’t make your ears sour are the meaningful romantic numbers. Sometimes maybe not romantic, but the words touch you and thank heavens to the beautiful scores; you can’t really help but hum along. And the smile, I think I shouldn’t start about that all over again. These keep ringing in my head all day long, even when I’m not listening to them. So much so that, when I’m walking somewhere, and some song is ringing in my head, or I notice a couple or just some incident or think about some new plot to write on, I cant help but smile. It’s a different thing that I’m a compulsive smiler and love to flaunt this one beautiful feature of mine, but I’m sure people looking at me or for that matter sometimes even I myself feel that I’m probably in love. My friends definitely often feel there’s some new crooked broth cooking up. The only problem is, I don’t know what I’m actually in love with or whom, well maybe because there’s no person for that kind of love which gives you the jitters or makes you want to smile always and always or just some weird feeling like that. I think I’m in love purely with the idea of being in love. Well, whatever it is, definitely makes me happy like I’m on seventh heaven and to top it I love it!