mercy!

damn me..

all i do here is crib..i beat my won damn record..i created a forum to crib..!

shit

look at wat i'm doing right now!!!!

yikes..

save me pls oh lord..

have mercy!!!

i'm a criminal

i'm a criminal..i dared to dream..

in a world where its just not allowed

i'm a criminal i dreamed beyond..

where dreams have no value at all.

i'm a criminal..so i've been told..

and made to feel time adn again

i'm a criminal but i cannot help it..

i've dreamed another dream yet again

i'm a criminal for having dreamed so large

that sufficient just does not suffice..

i'm a criminal that i've dreamed so much..

that all i want to do is sleep..

to not feel the thunder..or the tremors of the quake..

to wake up to that bright morning sun

to sleep so sound that nothing else matters

to find all the answers from within

but the answer will not come in my dreams

as much as i'd hate it..i'll have to put up the fight

only then can my dream stand it thru

and not vanish like the clouds and mist

one life only!

Its not that i realise only now..but yeah..i havent been quite the one to acknowledge it either..

but yes...my actions spoke all they had to..i never really had to say it..

say that..as cliched as it may sound..but i'm different..

say that i dun yearn for the same things that others my age usually yearn for..

say dat i a corporate biggie job is not for me! 

i'm a gypsy kinda person...yes..but not unprofessional..i did law..but not to work in a high profile law firm or a corporate giant doing work that i hate but earning the big bucks anyway and faking a smile everyday to work..i did law wid a vision...the vision was two fold..

my parents being from the media industry adn yet me having nearly no exposure to it, probably made me all the more inquisitive and interested in the field..my first vision was to make a name in the media, lifestyle adn fashion industry..y..cuz it intrigued me..and not in a small or any cornered way..btu explore everyaspect..thru the eyes of a business..law wud make be all teh more better equipped to tackle all my fears adn troubles and understand my loopholes better!

my second vision was to do sumtin more meaning ful adn at the same time not have to worry bout how to create the means for it!an ngo..to help legal needs of those who needed my help..

i have a belief..i have just this one life and so many thigns to do in it..apart from my own..i have my parents individual dreams also to live..its no burden for me..just sumtin i want to do and make it happen..

but the one thing i understand is..that the rebellious way out i'm thinking is probably the only solution to this fiasco..its not bout me being selfish..but bout that one life to live and no one else to blame but me!

many might say that the timing cudnt b worse..i have nutin wid me..but i actually c it an opportunity..there's n oway but up from where i am..i have nutin to lose! (literally!) if i had sumtin i'd worry..but i dun!

unfortunately opportunity doesnt knowck at ur door every now and then..and moreso particularly u shudnt take chances wen u have ahistory of mishaps in life!

i think my timing actually cudnt get any better..i just hope..this time..god's on my side!

i really do!

dynamism

my mother often calls me fickle minded and she absolutely hates my risk taking habits to the core!

i on the other hand, prefer to call it dynamism!..i'm one of those persons who isnt satisfied wid a mundane simple life and needs more adn more adn that too of a variety of things..i mentioned earlier how i luv compulsively..well..i also happen to luv a whole lot of things adn there's just sooooo much to do in life..! adn i have but this one life! to do it all..

my mother on the other hand has a favourite word..compromise...! jeez how much i hate the word..i wudnt really undermine the power of the word..its a real peace maker and all..but pls..each and every simgle time..no.thats not for me in the least!

mum has been thru lots of hell in life..and had to compromise at every single stage..she still does..its like that dialogue from the movie dilwale dulhaniya le jaayenge (DDLJ) when simran's mum tells her that every thing she ever does, being a woman will b sumtin thats gives others priority in her life rather than her own..first as a daughter, a sister, then as a wife, as a mother and so on and so forth adn there's no end to it...mum did that..cudnt take up her favourite subjects at skool, cuz her father refused..married adn then left her job...had kids and felt she needed to tend to them rather than work on sumtin for herself..

its not like she wants to strangulate me..but its well..conditioning u cud say..without realising..she's doing the same that her dad did to her..

she's been very supportive of my decisions..but everytime i decide sumtin..there's always that initial hurdle..a feeling of 'no dun do it..dun come crying to me later, i told u so' and all that jazz..

everytime particularly wen the decision has an element of risk involved..widout giving the first thought..before u know it ..its out of the window!

my mum is not much of a risk taker types..if she has a overnight weekend trip to a relative who lives at a distance of merely 2 hrs away..she plans 2 weeks ahead and has her packing finished when there's still ten days left to the trip!...yes so she's organised and is quite like monica from friends..obsessive compulsive bout beign organised and clean adn wat not..

damn the and again!

getting back..well i'm not liek her in those aspects..at all!..i hate having to plan or to pack tens of  days ahead..

wats strange is ma and i r soooooooooo similar..yet sooooooo different..it made me realise that no matter how similar 2 people r..they're 2 very different individuals adn will always b..even if they absolutely everything alike!

mayb ma's apprehension is from experience and i'm still inexperienced..or maybe ma never ever was the type..and i have my fathers genes in dynamism! but even dad can b like that.mayb its just teh generation..or two negatives made a positive..or communication gap..

my little battles wid ma over my dynamism made me realise...that my mum and i never ever had that conversation bout wat i really really want out of life..v alwys had sumtin more alarming to talk bout..at times that even meant wats to b cooked for dinner! sad..! i know..

she never asked me reasosn for wanting to do wat i wanted to do.always a yes or no as it whether i shud/cud or shudnt/cudnt do it!...and that was the end of the discussion..may thats y she doesnt know the game plan till now!

but is wanting wat i want to do..which is not only because i have interets or passion for it but also the perks of that thing which my family will b able to bear selfish thinking???

mum says i'm selfish..thinking only bout me.. how am i to prove i think of them..telling them is not the solution! for sure!...am confused..!

complicated part 2

its wierd wen things u thought (sumtin or sum time) wud never back do come back..sum which make u feel all nice and giddy and sum sad and sick..

(ps- i hate the way when i type i never ever get "and" right! i always end up wid nad or adn and have to retype! arghhhhhhhhhhhh!)

i live in the past..cuz it showed me sum awesum times..adn i luk fwd to mroe luking back adn boring my great great grandkids bout hte trash i did thruout life ;)

i think i realised..mood swing just happened..andi aitn that sad adn pessimistic and upset anymore

(shit i got the and wring again..i just dun get it! shit shit shit!)

maybe the chit chat adn the msging adn all actualy helped!

(i swear to god..i aint typing adn purposely like that..bored of correcting now..thats all that it is!)

before more screwed up ands..gotta go!

complicated

its not avril lavigne's song..but the title does ring a bell doesnt it..

well for starters...its a mad mood swing..and its one those kinds that i really dislike from the deepest bottoms of my heart in every bloody sense...the not so nice ones the shallow ones..which leave u peturbed worried and out of sync with everythng else..unfortunately its also cuz its instigated by ur lack of potential or opportunity or just a stupid excuse called luck which hails nutin in ur favour particularly wen u kinda need it the most and leaves u feeling utter uselessness..

i'm loud and probably always will be..but yes i've calmed down over the years..in ways people mite not really notice..btu sum observe patiently adn they realise..its not the calming down of the voice or enthusiasm for every tiny thing in life no matter how trivial..its just strength adn the capacity to bear more..u know..earlier simple things wud leave me panicked adn throw me into an unfamiliar and eerie place i didnt want to c..now that place is within reach adn even though i still get lost(cant help the territory is super vast!) i have learnt many of the ways..!

life was complicated just sumtime back..about 2-3 yrs back..to b honest so it appeared that all hell had broken lose and i was headed to doomsday..its actually much much more complicated now..just..now...its bearable out of forced practice of a kind...well its not that its the end..but watever it is..i'm taking it in my stride or atleast trying to..had been running so much and tearing myself apart..going at a slightly slower pace right now..

dunno if its right or wrong but it helps soothe..well i guess it does...i hope it does...even though at times the emptiness of things leaves me thinking adn pondering and frustrated at my uselessness adn ultimately depressed..i know i need sumone to talk to at that time..a friend..ma is there..but she's already quite drenched in worries..i need that hug..adn that reassuring pat saying its gonna b ok..

i have no clue wat i'm doing..i'm actually wondering if i'm even trying cuz my heart wants to do one thing adn the brain suggests otherwise..but still i say adn agree..

life's much less complicated wid all its complications at their hieghtened best rite now..!

i'm still doing my favourite hobby though...am smiling! :)

adn more often than not..its genuine! strange na! its easier to smile now actually..u dun need the sweeping off the feet actions..simple things..a song, a stupid scene which makes u swoon, a buk, a horoscope for the day sumtin vague sum sight..its much much simpler..adn much less complicated!