I once had a blog, it was a happy experience, but I don’t know why I stopped. Some months back a friend started blogging. It was fun to read plus I felt connected with him after a really long time. It brought back the thoughts of why I had stopped blogging. I created a blog but life was throwing the best of the worst it seems. Or should I rather say, it still is to some extent. I don’t know if I’ve set into the ambience of failures or just got used to it, or anything else. Its too much thinking to be able to decipher that. But I decided to start off on a nice note and pledged to blog only and only when I had something good to write about. Maybe like so many, I too was waiting for my miracle moment. Its only very recently that I realized that I shouldn’t really be waiting for THE moment. Its what I create, when I create or, well..ummm..just about something, anything that would make any moment, The moment. I think I’m still not in the right frame of mind to explain exactly what’s there in my head, but I don’t think I should really wait for the right frame to voice my views nevertheless.
I’m confused, have nothing better to do in life, well yes, probably; but at this point of time, I really wonder whether I could really bother less!
I always liked writing a lot. And now with nothing much on my hands to do, I write more often. And not just thoughts. Its now more like I’m a struggling writer. With nothing more than thoughts to keep me busy as such, each time, some new word, phrase or something pops in my head to suggest a new plot. But somehow the plans all turn out to be one way or the other with a romantic angle. This got me to do the job that I dreaded 24 X 7, THINKING; I really hate it I think! But I can’t write on sci-fi or murder thrillers etc etc. and besides I feel there’s too much love love love all around and I cannot not think about it.
I happen to be a romantic person anyways and a typical Indian Hindi film buff living in the world of dream sequences. I confused my identity to be that of a tom-boy till today. Well I don’t know exactly what triggered the thought, but I realized that the simple fact that I have more male friends and get along with them better and they open up to me unlike how they shy away from using abusive language in front of other girls doesn’t really make me a tom-boy. Well I’m just easy to get along with, they’re comfortable and so I am. Well, one confusion sorted out, I also realized how typically girly and all I am. I love to shop, I love reading, I cry at the drop of a hat, especially while watching movies and television and in fact, hard to believe but even advertisements! As a matter of fact, my parameters of judging a movie to be a hit or flop or whatever, is usually a tear, the more I cry, the higher the ranking of the movie.
These days sitting idle at home, and considering I live alone and also one of recent discoveries that I’m pretty much a lazy home bird and to some extent a loner, I stick around the house, reading books, novels, my daily morning treat of practically licking the newspaper from last to first (not first to last, I read the last page first, HABIT!, CONVENIENCE!) over a cup of light brewed, specifically made tea and listening to the radio all day long (firstly to avoid any DJing stints and secondly, after the sound card or some device in my laptop conking off, its really the next best bet to talking to, bucking up and motivating myself or cribbing, complaining like a partner/spouse to God or baby talking with my plants or my famous stuffed monkey, DODO (yes people, he’s still very much with me!)!
Of the books that I read, weird crazy things, mythology, losing weight, India, novels about weird people, there are a few romantic ones and reading them, is again like watching a movie (Though I don’t think I still can take Mills and Boons as such, once in a year is sufficient and that too plain romance ones, cant take nasty! Ugghhhh!). You feel like crying, you smile chronically and continuously. And to top it with the amount of radio I listen to, I realized that most hindi songs which are loved by one and all and played over and over again and still don’t make your ears sour are the meaningful romantic numbers. Sometimes maybe not romantic, but the words touch you and thank heavens to the beautiful scores; you can’t really help but hum along. And the smile, I think I shouldn’t start about that all over again. These keep ringing in my head all day long, even when I’m not listening to them. So much so that, when I’m walking somewhere, and some song is ringing in my head, or I notice a couple or just some incident or think about some new plot to write on, I cant help but smile. It’s a different thing that I’m a compulsive smiler and love to flaunt this one beautiful feature of mine, but I’m sure people looking at me or for that matter sometimes even I myself feel that I’m probably in love. My friends definitely often feel there’s some new crooked broth cooking up. The only problem is, I don’t know what I’m actually in love with or whom, well maybe because there’s no person for that kind of love which gives you the jitters or makes you want to smile always and always or just some weird feeling like that. I think I’m in love purely with the idea of being in love. Well, whatever it is, definitely makes me happy like I’m on seventh heaven and to top it I love it!
